Saturday, July 14, 2007
Thriller!
I have just managed to scare the crap out of a friend's kid; not exactly my goal for today if you catch my drift.So, a friend came round to my old place, where my sister now happily resides. I've been using the joint to do a little work because my office is sadly empty during the weekends- bloody lazy these independent scholars if you ask me, taking the weekends off!
Anyway, I really wanted her to check out an interview with a prospective professor at a prospective US school.
So, I decided to play "nanny" for her 5 year old son, in order to give her peace to look at the Americans.
I found some old cars for the kid and even read a book with pics on the adventures of Benoit Brisefer (Steven Strong), the world's strongest kid, or at least Belgium's strongest kid.
OK, way off course- once again!
Eventually, we went outside to look for more toys and as we have collected a home-made hero dog, I see that my old neighbour is sitting on her balcony. This old bag has bothered me since I was a kid. She has been an evil troll since at least the early sixties and used to scream at us kids and would even smear the fence that separates our gardens with a nasty lubricating oil to prevent us from taking shortcuts through her garden. The mother unit used to sigh loudly while trying to remove the grease stains from the bums of our trousers and say things like: "How can anyone be this horrible?" Needless to say, the trouser budget in our household was a big part of my parents' paycheck.
As, I was thinking of things to entertain the kid with, my mind struck gold; I decided to tell him about the evil hag next door...
Bad, bad, bad idea! I scared the crap out of the kid and I doubt that his mum was thrilled with my narrative.
This is why childless people shouldn't babysit.
The times sure have changed since I was little- then every kid's idol was Michael Jackson, whereas today parents tell their kids: " If you don't behave you little...I will call MJ and invite him over!"
I can't believe I came up with using MJ as a tool of discipline in upbringing- this just goes to show that some people (reads:s me)should not procreate and if they for some unfortunate reason do beget children- it's best to ship the offspring off to the orphanage asap!
Friday, July 13, 2007
Something's rotten in the Banana Republics of the world
I heard the news today oh boy as the song goes. Well, actually it's the news that I have heard this week. First of all I have to share with you a story about the latest Chinese craze: Fish being deep-fried alive. Although the Scottish cuisine consists of deep frying stuff, and if they haven't got anything to deep fry, they just deep fry their pants or simply the batter alone in clumps...
OK, way off course now, as sometimes happens to me.
So, the Chinese are now deep frying carp ALIVE! The poor animal is deep fried except for the head and then served on a plate lathered in sweet and sour sauce, gasping for air and twitching in deep fried pain while the "eater" attacks the poor thing with chopsticks.
Seriously, what is wrong with people who enjoy this type of cuisine? I mean, I like meat as much as the next person, but I make sure my meat has been treated humanely in life and fuerthermore, killed quickly before it's cooked.
But it's not just the Chinese who do evil things to their food. It is well known that people all over the world boil lobster alive. Apparently it's supposed to taste better after being tortured to death. Now, I think that people that do this should just try putting their hands into a pot filled with water and slowly bring it to boil. You know just to see how good it feels.
I am very happy to say that on my rock we sell our lobsters dead as doornails- and they haven't been boiled alive. So call me a hypocrite for eating meat, but at least I don't torture my food. Btw, the blue lobster you are looking at was born in 1980 and lives in St Andrews. You may been asking yourself why it's a blue lobster? Well, if boiled it will become red- just like your hands when you burn yourself; then you too will become red.
Which brings me to my next topic in the complaint corner: Rio Tinto.
Alcan, which has been polluting the air I breathe for years, has just been bought by Rio Tinto, the Australian aluminium giant. It's really amazing how these corporations carry on while the average Icelander goes on with his life and pretends everything is A- OK.
Rio Tinto is a corporation that is responsible for all kinds of nasty things; to name only one: they triggered a civil war in Papua New Guinea, not to mention their ever so tainted image when it comes to human rights such as upholding a sort of apartheid in the same place with different facilities for different races of people.
Now, doesn't it sound nice that Rio Tinto has become an addition to the Lets-destroy-the-nature-in-Iceland flora?
This brings me to my last point; the cops are on alert in Iceland today. Can you believe that there are foreign (translates dangerous and have no business here) protesters in Iceland this summer. These people actually care about the destruction of Europe's biggest "unspoilt" wilderness. They are thereby considered to be extremely dangerous people- some of them even have dreadlocks, which seems to be very offensive to the Iceland bourgeoisie- how dare they! Bloody foreign hippie scum!
The aluminium companies seem to be terrified of these people and are now hiring extra watchmen and women to their Isengard/Barad Dur poison spewing towers. They are encouraging women to apply for the jobs, got to keep up the politically correct images ay?
I heard a story of a woman who decided to apply for a watchdog position but when she was asked questions about her menstrual cycle (apparently very important when battling against fierce protesters?!)- well, she decided not to take the job, or so the story goes.
Not such a good week in news for me- better just continue listening to Bob Marley and hope that if we all get together "it will be alright".
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
It's what gets me out of bed in the morning
Now, what would that be? It's coffee, lovely aromatic coffee with cream, I love it love it love it.I just saw a documentary about coffee- which set off the Cliff Clavin in me.
For instance, did you know that coffee originally comes from Ethiopia, which just happens to be the country I am fixated with these days- I want to go to Addis, hang out with the rastafari, celebrate the life and death of Bob Marley, Haile Selassie and listen to my favourite band as of now The Ethiopians (which is actually an awesome ska band from Jamaica) while drinking super Ethiopian coffee.
Soon precious- soon we goes there....(shite- shouldn't have watched LOTR last night).
Ultimately, I ultimately came to the ultimate conclusion (did I say ultimate?) after viewing the coffee flick.
The great truth of it all is that French historians are big fat liars! Now, this French dude was saying that Europeans in the 17th and 18th centuries drank like 7-8 liters of wine per day. And if that's not enough, they additionally drank half a liter of strong spirits and then commenced to work a 14hour day. On top of that, the kids were drunks too! Come on, man!
Then this guy says that the French Revolution was a spawn of French coffee shops, where everybody sat down, over-dozed on java and plotted to behead wigged lads. Whereas, we all know that a volcano in Iceland started Le Revolution!
Anyhoo- just wanted to Clavinize a little and direct y'all to the website that helps you find your discover which celebrity you look like. I was not unhappy about mine.
Peace!
